My fallback position has long been that they have always been an escape from my real life frustrations and challenges. And there's some truth to that.
I think I also just get a giddy kick out of the creativity involved.
Some of it is just pure awe. I know I don't have one iota of the talent that these performers and craftsman do, and that makes me a little sad, but it is also reinvigorating for me.
I've recently become a devotee of Italian horror movie icon Dario Argento. It's been a slow and and steady courtship. I was first exposed to his classic Suspiria (which has a high profile remake due out this year) back in high school and it really struck with me, but it wasn't until recently that I started to dive into the work that bookended that 1977 masterpiece, and I have been enthralled ever since.
He makes gore somehow poetic and beautiful, but he also (at least in his earlier, more acclaimed work) has a real sense of humor that is both macabre and disarming.
Last night, I had the pleasure of watching the riveting Italian version of his 1971 film The Cat O' Nine Tails, part of his animal trilogy. The title is mostly nonsense, and animals aren't actually central to the plots of these films which can veer wildly from thriller to horror to romance and then comedy.
Watching this film was just so gratifying for me. It really helped clarify my innate desire to be creative and do be around creative people. Of course, the rub with this is that, is that more often than not can sometimes serve as a reminder of my own shortcomings as a wannabe writer, performer, what have you.I have long straddled this conflict, do I want to be the person who writes, act in, or directs a really fun, crowd-pleasing potboiler like The Cat O' Nine Tails, or I am I destined to be the kind of person who can only write about these things from an appreciative, informed distance.
Of course, I'm not unique in this regard. The world is full of people who want to be in front of the camera but also don't know if they could handle it if they were.
Even now, while I work in entertainment, I still feel so far removed from what I want to be and what I think I am capable of. And it has made me question why I am doing what I am doing, and who, if anyone, this blog is for.
A short answer might just be myself, but I'm not content to make things or produce things that are just for me. I wish I could be that type of person, but I'm not.
What I do know is that I've been at it for four years now -- and perhaps it's time to hang it up and find something to do that I'm truly great at, where I can put more time in and come up with something special.
If I knew what that was I'd already be hard at work on it, but I haven't got a clue what my next big endeavor should be. I do know I've written over 1,000 articles, over 500 blogs, drawn over 1,100 movie posters, and I am still toiling in relative obscurity.
It's humbling but also a real challenge to make the most of the time I have left.
That being said, I want to thank everyone who ever read this, supported it, and even liked it. It's meant a lot to me and kept me going through a lot of low moments, just like the movies have.
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